I hate self-pity, even though I believe everyone deserves it. It seems like everyone should ask for self-compassion, but I don't want to give it to myself. I understand how counter-intuitive this is (esp someone with mental health). Why I feel this way is complicated, but I feel it very strongly. If you find yourself hating the idea of ​​compassion, or wondering why anyone else would, read on.

What is self-compassion?

I don't need to know the official meaning of self-pity to hate him. Just the fluffy idea of ​​being nice to myself is enough to make me reflexively dislike it. However, I think it's helpful to look at the concept of self-compassion:

“Self-compassion has recently been identified by Kristin Neff (2003) as three interrelated components that are exhibited during times of pain and failure. Each component consists of two parts, the existence of one structure and the negation of the other. These three concepts are: (a) being kind and understanding to oneself rather than self-critical, (b) seeing one's mistake as part of the larger human condition and experience rather than isolating it, and (c) holding painful thoughts and avoiding or dealing with them. feelings in conscious awareness rather than over-identifying.”

(Barnard & Curry, 2011)

There are other definitions of self-compassion, of course (see more here), but the above is useful because it almost provides a road map of what self-compassion is and is not.

I Hate Self Pity

But like I said, I have this aversion to the concept of self-pity. I don't hate other people who show self-compassion; I hate it for myself. And that's because I have an inner drill sergeant. My inner drill sergeant is very important to my life and very antithetical to compassion.

My inner drill sergeant is what keeps me going day in and day out. If it were up to all my illnesses, I would lie in bed all day, every day. That's what depression wants, and mine migraine and tiredness definitely collect and encourage the same behavior. But sleeping in bed doesn't pay the mortgage.

That's why my drill sergeant in me is I am writing this is now. That's why I work for my clients. That's why I do everything I do in my day. It's the guy screaming in my head that makes this happen.

People often wonder how I can do what I do, given how sick I am. It's my inner drill sergeant that makes it happen. Self-compassion is certainly not included in this equation.

(Please note that I do not support the use of such a bad sergeant. There are many downsides to having someone so controlling. This is just what I have in mind.)

Why I hate self-compassion

Self-compassion—that kind and fluffy thing we should do for ourselves—stops me from doing what I need to do. It interferes with my livelihood. It prevents me from surviving. Self-pity feels like weakness and like a time I can't afford.

For example, now I'm in pain with migraines, among other things. I know something good and compassionate will happen allow rest. If there was someone else, I would encourage it. The thing is, I can't do it. I've been needing so much rest lately because of the migraines that I've been behind on everything. Believe me, I'd like nothing better than to lie in bed with an ice cap on my head right now; I just literally cannot afford this to happen.

I Could Be Wrong About Hating Self-Pity

Yesterday I watched a video about self-compassion and it made me think that I might be wrong to hate compassion. It talks about why self-compassion is good not only from a psychological point of view, but also from a scientific point of view. It aims to teach six myths about self-compassion.

I recommend watching it below.

So now I'm trying to look at hating self-compassion a little differently.

Reevaluating self-compassion

If science says that self-compassion is good and can actually improve not only your psychology, but your life and your life. productivity, perhaps worthy of a second look. Maybe I can incorporate aspects of self-compassion into my own life.

Here are three concepts that are part of self-compassion and how I can apply them in my own life, even if I have an inner sergeant telling me what to do:

1. Rather than being self-critical, be kind and understanding to yourself – I can't be kind to myself. I have a lot of issues around him, I admit. He said that maybe I can be less critical of myself. Maybe I can repeat my mistakes more gently. Maybe I can beat myself up less when I fail.
2. Seeing fallibility as part of the human condition and experience rather than in isolation – I know this work better. while I may not be overly kind when I'm wrong, I understand that I create them and that my “flaws” are just human at work. While some mistakes are harder to deal with than others, mistakes are a part of being alive.
3. Holding painful thoughts and feelings in conscious awareness instead of avoiding them or over-identifying with them — I think the person who wrote this is not depressed. I noted that “holding on” to my pain was incredibly harmful, even endless. That said, avoiding things through unhealthy means (such as substance use) is counterproductive, and it's helpful to remember that. It's also worth remembering that while life can cause pain, we don't need to bathe in it (over-identification with it).

There is much more to be said about self-compassion, including examples of how to apply it in one's own life.

However, that will have to wait for another post. Until then I will watch try to be a little gentler with myself in some ways.

I'm interested in what you think about self-compassion, whether you think it's helpful, and how you see it in your own life.

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