Lately I've been learning about shame and guilt. As a writerthese words are very similar to me. In fact, their psychological effects could not be more different. It's a sin normal and even if it is beneficial, shame can have a toxic effect on mental health. Let's talk about how we all experience guilt and even shame, but let's talk about how guilt can help us and shame can hurt us.
Understanding Guilt: Healthy Emotions for Positive Change
Guilt is a common and natural psychological emotion that can contribute to behavior and personal development.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), guilt is:
“a self-conscious emotion characterized by a painful appreciation of having done (or thought) something wrong, and a readiness to take action, often designed to undo or mitigate that wrong.”
I feel it every time I don't give the barista a cup of tea. I feel self-conscious about it, but that's one transitoryunpleasant emotion. This might motivate me to consult my regular barista next time.
Guilt is often healthy because it can motivate positive changeguilt also has the ability to spiral out of control. People can start to feel guilty about absolutely everything, and that's not healthy. I've been known to often feel guilty when I'm depressed. No wonder it is excessive guilt is a true symptom of depression.
I would also argue that too much guilt can turn into toxic shame, but a little more.
What Is Toxic Shame? The Psychology Behind This Harmful Emotion
Shame, especially toxic shame, is a psychologically damaging emotion that many people experience but few fully (or even somewhat) understand.
According to APA, it is a shame:
“is a very unpleasant self-conscious emotion arising from the feeling that there is something dishonorable, impudent, or indecent in one's behavior or circumstances. This can have a profound effect on psychological adjustment and interpersonal relationships, usually by withdrawing from social relationships—for example, hiding or distracting others from one's embarrassing behavior. Shame can motivate not only avoidance behavior but also defensive, vengeful anger. Psychological research consistently reports a link between shyness and a range of psychological symptoms, including depression, anxiety, eating disorders, subclinical sociopathy, and low self-esteem. Shame is also theorized to serve a more positive adaptive function by moderating experiences of excessive and inappropriate interest and arousal and diffusing potentially threatening social behavior.
So (simplified) guilt prompts you to lighten up something you do The toxic shame that you feel is wrong encourages you to completely remove yourself from a situation because you things that are wrong. And worse, shame feels so bad that it can act as a defense anger.
As the APA points out, because shame is so intense, it hurts you and your relationships. Excessive shame is associated with mental illness and low self-esteem.
As APA points out, shame isn't all bad. Positively, it can motivate you to change inappropriate behavior by threatening social punishment. This positive, shame can appear in rare cases and for a truly shameful act, but it does not appear with this positive case. poisonous it's a shame that it often appears over minor perceived infractions. This is what makes it a poisonous shame.
Personal Stories of Guilt and Shame: Lessons for Mental Health
I am very familiar with guilt and shame. I think it's because of me overfamiliarity with depression. The thing is, I never realized how much depression controlled my shame and how toxic and harmful my shame was.
Like I said, I feel guilty about everything when you're depressed. It's horrible because I feel like I've been “wrong” all day. It means I feel like I can't do the “right” thing, no matter what. If everything I do is wrong and I never do anything right, then I feel really bad, really (attachment of worthlessness to guilt and another symptom of depression).
This was a recognizable period for me. Toxic shame was not so well known. I could understand how what I was doing made me feel bad perceived errors (however inaccurate this perception may be). In other words, sin showed me what did i do was wrong. I didn't realize that shame was making me feel bad about myself. In other words, toxic shame made me feel this way I was wrong.
An example of toxic shame
My apartment is a disaster. I often joke that FEMA is on the way or that people need HAZMAT suits to get inside. One day someone came to my apartment and I apologized as usual for his condition. Then I said something like, “Believe me, I'm ashamed of living this way.”
He said that I understand embarrassment, but not shame.
Now I understand why he said that. What he's saying is that while having a messy apartment may be embarrassing for some, it doesn't necessarily mean there's anything wrong with it. i. But it seems to me that a messy apartment is proof of that I'm wrong.
In short, that's why shame is toxic. I am not wrong or bad; it's just toxic shame that makes me think and feel the way I do.
Overcoming Toxic Shame: Tips for Emotional Recovery
Dealing with toxic shame isn't a bad thing, and I'm certainly still working on it. As I said, shame itself is normal, so the goal is not to get rid of it completely, but to make sure it doesn't negatively affect your life.
Steps to overcome toxic shame include:
- Recognize guilt and shame. The first step is always to be able pay attention to the presence of emotions in your head. Notice when you feel bad about your actions or yourself. Be aware of when you want to withdraw from social situations. These are signs that you feel guilt or shame.
- Recognize toxic shame. If you are ashamed and it makes you believe that you are bad or wrong, that is poisonous shame Note it when this happens.
- Challenge your inner critic. Remind yourself of this toxic shame is not true. Shame is real, but the idea that you are “wrong” is not. A messy apartment (or a bug or quality you don't like, etc.) doesn't make you a bad person.
- Search for contact. It's a classic when you need it do the opposite. Instead of shying away like you want to, look for a connection. Your supportive relationships, like my friends, will remind you that you're not perfect, and you're not bad either.
- Focus on self-compassion. I'm working on it self-kindness and self-compassion to temper my inner critic. While there are legitimate reasons I need my inner critic, it doesn't have to be as bad as it often is. (Great here is the source of self-compassion.)
- Get professional help. If you're really experiencing shame that makes you feel “bad,” you probably need professional help. It can mean treatment of depression it empowers toxic shame, or seeing a psychologist to develop coping skills for overreactive shame. Either way, dealing with toxic shame on your own can be difficult.
Final Thoughts Against Guilt. It's a shame
Guilt can lead us to make better choices, but toxic shame damages our mental health and relationships. By understanding the difference between these emotions and taking steps to overcome shame, we can free ourselves from its grip and find greater peace and contentment.
If you've struggled with shame or guilt, you're not alone. Share your experiences in the comments – I'd love to hear your thoughts. Let's start a conversation about getting rid of the toxicity of shame.
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