It's not something I write at all. Do you know why? Because I'm generally depressed and no recovery from depression. My bipolar disorder is characterized by punctuated depression mixed mood. And this characterization has been true for years. Years and years of trying to get better. Years and years not being able to get better. It is very tragic. It is the intermingled days of suffering sleepless nights. Definitely not recommended. But the thing about all of this is that I'm in a unique position to pay attention to every minute detail of what it feels like to recover from depression. If everything is black and gray for a long time, you're sure to notice even the tiniest glimpse of light. Although we are all different, here is what recovery from depression feels like for me.

What does depression feel like?

In 1776, Dr. Samuel Johnson, the founder English dictionary, first used the term “black dog” to describe melancholy and depression. He is believed to be suffering from major depressive disorder. When you're depressed, it's okay to think that you're constantly being followed by a huge, terrifying, deadly, pitch-black entity. Depression feels like a vital force that you can't escape no matter what you do. But this is only the beginning of depression.

Depression varies from person to person, however clinical definition includes (respectively Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, Fifth Edition (DSM-5)):

(You must have at least five of the above symptoms during the same two-week period, and at least one of the symptoms must be decreased interest/enjoyment or depressed mood to meet criteria for major depression. There are a few other caveats. look here.)

But more than anything, depression is always seeing and feeling the negative and not being able to see and feel the positive. It's about every little stimulus – good or bad – that makes you feel worse. It's about missed opportunities, isolatefake health, staying in a mental ward, lack of understanding of others, repeated drug trialsand don't live up to who you know you are. Depression is endless suffering.

Depression feels like the destruction of your soul.

What It Feels Like to Fight Depression

The first unique thing I felt was a change in my mind. I know this sounds strange. But my mind used to be 100% depression, and then I noticed that a small percentage was something else. Depression still took up most of the space, but I knew there was something else there. It was difficult to understand what the “other” really was.

Getting over depression is a slow process, but you can see it with little glimpses or anything other than suffering. The next thing that became clear to me was the absence of suffering, not happiness. It was really weird. I found that daily practices hurt less. For example, I have said before seeing happy people actually makes me feel worse. A loving couple holding hands could make me cry. Somehow, seeing happy people suddenly didn't make me feel bad. I didn't feel much about it at all. This was a huge improvement. (You can't imagine how horrible it feels to see happy people. It makes you sad. It makes you feel like an alien, among other things.)

Then I started to feel myself smiling genuinely. I wrote before how Fake smiles are a bipolar coping skill. Being able to replace the expression on my face with a genuine smile was sometimes a relief you couldn't imagine. It felt like heaven to see something and have it summon a real honest-to-goodness smile. The real smile wasn't always visible, but slowly it is.

At the same time, I felt my breath. Breathing became easier. Each breath felt less painful. Not having to force myself to breathe against my will was a comfort and relief I didn't know I needed.

(You'll note that happiness hasn't shown up yet. Depression doesn't require it. There are many parts of depression that don't include being able to experience happiness.)

I also noticed that the food is tastier. When you can't feel pleasure, everything, even food, exists in a gray hell. Depression recovery feels like adding perfume to everything. Unfortunately, it makes me want to eat more, but given that I can actually enjoy myself while doing it, I'll take it.

Now my actual emotions started to feel more positive. I would describe it as quiet comfort. I would characterize it as a greater balance. I would describe it as human. It was as if the black dog had shrunk very, very much. He was actually starting to look kind of cute.

I think that happiness will manifest itself at some point. It's not here yet, but it seems possible to get there.

A warning when fighting depression

I should note that now my depression has not gone away. I still have many symptoms of depression in my daily life. So the part of my brain that holds my depression is now very, very small. Maybe even 50%.

This is a miracle.

A sense of recovery from depression

As I said, I have been suffering from a terrible depression for a long time. Depression recovery seems very strange to me. It feels wrong. Depression, I can predict. I know what that would do to my day. I can't get out of depression. Feelings of recovery from depression are unpredictable to say the least. Every time a new depression-free experience comes along, it's a surprise. It's like reinventing myself. I want to sit and enjoy. Just look at what my brain did next. I want to be quiet and just watch the wonder.

I feel fear with the return of depression

Here is the fear of getting rid of depression, especially after suffering for an extremely long time. After all, my brain is not used to it. What if he comes back? What to do if the drug stops working? What if I develop a tolerance? Pain is soul-crushing, yes, but seeing the light of health and having it taken from you is even worse. I feel desperate not to make any “mistakes” and ruin the miracle.

Fear of depression reoccurring when you have bipolar disorder

And in fact, bipolar disorder makes fear worse when recovering from depression. Because those of us who have been in this business for a long time know: health is more than just a state of health. hypomania, mixed moodor worse. When I feel something positive, I'm afraid that what I'm really feeling is not health, but the beginning of a bipolar mood episode. It would be very painful to find out. It's like this pain that drives people to commit suicide.

I feel like my depression is getting better — I'm going to enjoy it

But by acknowledging the fear and knowing that it is real, I will try to put it aside and enjoy the absence of suffering for a while. I am a person who analyzes his mood every day coping mechanism. He gave me life thoughtand is allowed career. But I plan to take small breaks from it. I'm not going to give it up completely – I think that would be a mistake because it could cause me to miss the symptoms of a developing mood episode. However, I think it's a good idea to give my brain little breaks from the endless work it's been doing for years. Holy moly, he won.

I'm going too thinking experience the positive aspects of my recovery from depression. Instead of trying to ignore all my feelings because of the pain, I'll actually look at them, acknowledge them, and see how they don't hurt. I am going to taste the difference in the food. I will see the difference at sunrise. I will hear the difference in the music. I'll just keep calm and appreciate not having to run from a black dog while doing it.

What does recovery from depression feel like for you?

Do you identify with any of what I said? How does it feel for you to recover from depression? What do you pay attention to first?

Other posts you may enjoy