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I used to try so hard to be nice, but now I've gotten over that—and I want others to get over it, too. Because at work “being good” is a trap.
This was first focused on in my executive career before I became a people boss. I was working on a merger and a new team member was eager to take on a critical role. Deep down, I knew she wasn't ready. But I wanted to be one beautifully leader. So I ignored my instinct and engaged in what author Kim Scott has called “destructive sensitivity”. In my desire to give her teammate what she wanted, I set her up for failure during difficult negotiations. The result: anxiety attacks for him and a huge headache for the team.
I'm not the only one who wants to be liked at work. And I believe that for many women, this can be especially challenging. Women are told to smile and they are conditioned to be people satisfied. It is no coincidence that we use more smiley faces in our communication. Not to mention, shows a study Stereotypes of middle-aged women as “less good” can hold them back in their careers.
However, throughout my career in human resources, I've noticed that beauty has come to dominate much of our work life—and that's a mistake.
Here's why and what you can do instead:
The problem with being nice
conflict it is inevitable for everyone productive team. And yet, our desire to be liked – not to ruffle feathers and create “artificial harmony” – is constant. Telling someone “no” or “we have to do better” doesn't bring you many smiles. So we avoid it and double down on liking each other. But by choosing kindness over authentic engagement, we miss a chance to inspire improvement. “Nice” has an increasing cooling effect.
At the end of the day, this bias towards the good is about younot the person you are “getting along with”. It's about wanting to be liked at the cost of being honest. There is a selfishness to prioritizing the “good” that is not so far removed from the selfishness of a workplace bully. The good and the bad co-worker emphasize their interests. And both attitudes have the same effect: they prevent the team from growing. Good people (like bad people) don't care about the group's results.
So what is the alternative? Kindness.
I know – being kind sounds very close to being nice, but the difference is crucial. Being nice means making yourself feel like a “good guy”. Being kind is about what you can do for others. In other words: kindness is telling people what they want they want to listen, and kindness is to tell them what they need to listen.
A path to goodness
When I fall into the “nice trap”, I get myself out by admitting that I have done things for myself. Conversely, if my motivation is to help others or to help the larger company, then I know I'm going in the right direction – towards goodness.
Once I know my purpose is rooted in goodness, I have a few key tactics that help me achieve it. These are especially useful for front line managers and those in an executive management teambut building a culture of kindness is everyone's job.
1. First, develop confidence
The best feedback in the world will be dead on arrival if no one believes in your intentions. Research shows that workplaces where people trust each other have higher levels of productivity. And why is that? This is because when I believe you, I am able to hear you. I don't think we're rivals and I'm starting to believe we're on the same team. Consequently, I can take action and improve.
2. Embrace radical responsibility
Calling up a missed deadline or asking about an angry customer is ultimately a polite thing to do because it makes the team better. Being both contribute – asking what obstacles you also produced – will prove that your motivations are not punitive. Conversely, the good leader who lets everything slide only makes it more likely that the team's personal growth will stagnate.
3. Talk to – not about
Secret critic are more common than we care to admit. But, once accountability has become a given in the office, it is fair to expect more direct forms of feedback. If you have a problem with someone's performance (or attitude), you may be inclined to speak to their superior, but kindness dictates that we first tell them to their face and give them a chance to respond. This can be stressful, I know. Kindness often takes more courage than kindness.
4. Get ready to “stack”.
In my role as a people leader at Pantheon, I have set aside times when conflict is encouraged—moments when we encounter different perspectives in a safe space. I'll tell the team, “It is the time of the rumble.“It's a surprising form of kindness because, by giving conflict an official arena, people feel free to shed their defensiveness and passive-aggressive tones. They know it's safe to argue. Breakthroughs and new creative ideas often appear during noise.
Good ROI
Shifting the culture from kindness to kindness creates space for honesty, accountability and conflict without fear. The results are profound for the conclusion – productivity and excellence increase when our concern about “being good” finally goes away.
Employee satisfaction also increases. That's because when colleagues stop talking nonsense and understand what works and what doesn't, we learn that someone really cares about what we do. We learn that our jobs matter and others depend on our efforts. A kind workplace reminds us that our contributions are crucial to the success of the entire team.
All those benefits of kindness are not free, of course. It is real work to move beyond the easy attitude of “being nice”. I can only provide mentoring and consistent feedback to a few dozen people, leads. So the ultimate ROI for kindness should be to inspire others to do the same – to share the load. It's up to all of us to pay it forward and create a culture of kindness together.