I lost many years of my life due to bipolar disorder. No, I don't mean I have reduced lifespan due to bipolar disorder (though this is probably true too). I mean, there are years living those missing due to bipolar disorder. At 46, I can look back over the decades and see those years of lost life all too clearly.

What Years Are Lost to Bipolar?

“Living” is in the eye of the beholder, I think living for me is about going out and doing what you want to do and achieving what you want to achieve. No time is perfect, of course. We don't get everything we want, but living is a process of going after it.

So the “lost years” are the years when I couldn't do it. While you can lose years for any number of reasons, my lost years are years gained from illness and disease treatment.

My Teens Are Lost to Bipolar Disorder

I was undiagnosed and certainly untreated as a teenager. They were basically in a terrible spiral of depression, self harmand suicidal tendencies with occasional pops of insanity known as hypomania. Other teenagers were worried about what to wear when it was boys (or girls) and me in therapy, trying to survive until I was old enough to leave home. (At the time, I thought most of my depression and instability was related to domestic issues. Mental illness was never a factor. Although these issues certainly complicated the situation, I also suspected bipolar disorder at the time.)

My 20s Was Lost to Bipolar Disorder

I can say that not all of my 20s were lost to bipolar disorder. I was getting a university degree for part of my 20s (while still being very sick). I worked my first tech job for part of my 20s. For part of my 20s I was skydiving, scuba diving and paragliding.

Here's the good news. The bad news is that I have time too in a psychiatric ward. I also spent part of my 20s suicidal, self-harming and deeply depressed. Such states will steal your days, weeks and months no matter what. While other young people were having fun with their friends, I was dealing with great concerns about the implications lack of sleep and alcohol will be in my mood.

30s Lost to Bipolar Disorder

My 30s were worse. When I was 29, I got a job at a big, fancy tech company in the US (I'm from Canada). It was the biggest opportunity of my career, so I took it and moved to Washington State. But there was a price to pay for working in such a job high stress in an environment and in a group where backstabbing and politics are common pastimes. I had to go on a short vacation disability within six months of joining the company. I then had a vagus nerve stimulation (VNS) implant for my treatment treatment-resistant depression. This didn't work. Anyway, back to work. My time there was very difficult. I dedicated every moment to work and exhausted myself to the point where I needed to lie on the floor of my office and take naps in the afternoons to continue my work.

I quit after three years. i tried electroconvulsive therapy (ECT) that's when I tried to treat my depression. That didn't work either. Depression and surrounding drama became a reason suicide attempt. Surviving this experience didn't feel like “living” either. While others were getting married and having children, I was crying everyday.

My 40s Was Lost to Bipolar Disorder

I am now in my mid 40's and the bipolar disorder just keeps doing its thing – it just consumes my life. There are few options left to treat my bipolar disorder and bipolar just continues to diminish my daily existence. I spend most of my days using bipolar coping skills and in order to keep myself upright, I require complete control of the thoughts in my mind at all times. I rarely live. While other people reach the top of their careers and start building long-term relationships, I can't climb the career ladder or build relationships that others have had for years.

What I Didn't Lose to Bipolar Disorder

All of the above is true and terrible. But it's important to put it in context. I got a bachelor's degree in computer science in my teens and 20s. I started my career. I flew with eagles over Venezuela. Me too in my 30s and 40s started writing and speaking career. I wrote and published a book. I bought a condominium. I testified before the Food and Drug Administration (FDA). I established relations with companies like Healthy Space and Health Association. I created a podcast. And I achieved many small daily goals. I haven't lost my best friends. I haven't lost my cats. I did not lose my life. These are not small things.

So for a while I am sad All the days lost to bipolar disorder and bipolar disorder treatment, there are other things to think about and remember. Context matters. Achievements, no matter how small and different from my peers, matter. The people in my life are important. What I hold is important.

I Will Always Lose Life To Bipolar

The thing is, no, I don't have a life like other people. I am busy most of my day the brain trying to kill me. It drastically affects what I can do in a day. It also dramatically affects my relationship with the world. These are just facts. I will continue to lose parts of my life to bipolar disorder. This is a fact.

But bipolar disorder didn't steal who I was as a person. He didn't steal my gifts. It didn't steal my worth as a person. Even though years of my life were spent with this hellish disease, I still managed to figure out a few things. I will continue this. I will continue to find really small moments and small ways to live.

Photo by Flickr user Mike Mozart.

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