I've recently had days where I'm redundant due to bipolar disorder. My mind turned to stone. I couldn't think if I was tired. And thanks to the weakness of my brain to think, I couldn't work either. Trying to do anything – and I mean anything – resulted in nothing but crushing crush. And all this lack of productivity manifested itself in many ways. Although I have to learn to forgive myself when I'm being redundant due to bipolar.

Why does bipolar disorder make you useless?

Bipolar disorder can disable you in many ways. For example, if became extremely depressed, not being able to do anything is quite normal. You drag your body from place to place, can't find any energy. This is not mentioned at all suicidal tendencies. When you experience suicide, it tends to overtake your reality and everything else is a distant second.

That's not what happened to me though. Yes, I was depressed, but not as much as I often am. I think what happened was the cognitive load increased to the point where my brain just took over. A number of emotional events have taken place over the past month. I avoided them, trying not to harm my brain. But as most people know, avoiding life events doesn't work. You have to stay and face them someday. If you don't, your body will punish you. That's what happened to me. I ran and ran; I tired myself; my mind could no longer escape the influence of my own life. All this resulted in not only an unfit brain but also an unfit body.

I beat myself up when it's useless

I hate being useless for whatever reason. Really, I could have broken both my legs, my arm, and I'd still be beating myself up for not doing anything.

I know why that is. That's why it happens I judge myself by my productivity. This is a characteristic of long-term, severe depression. It is impossible for these people to feel good about their day because it is impossible for them to feel good. When they look at their days, they have to judge them based on something to have enough motivation to keep going. That's why many people judge their days by productivity. Measurable achievements allow someone to feel positive about their day, even if they may not be happy about it. Believe me, it's real fighting skills which is often used by depressed people.

His problem is that you are not productive. The problem is that when you're unfit for whatever reason, you feel terrible. You feel terrible about your day and you feel terrible about yourself. For me, on any given day, I feel guilty for not doing what I need to do. I should be it works. I should be to clean my apartment. I should be intercept phone calls. And I don't accept any excuses. I don't care if my brain is made of stone. I want to get the job done.

I must forgive myself for being useless

Being useless is something everyone experiences – bipolar or not. Everyone has lazy Sundays when they just relax and read the paper. This is a good. They shouldn't beat themselves up about it. No one should. Everyone also experiences days when they are incapacitated due to illness. Are they flu, injury or yes, disability. They shouldn't beat themselves up about it either.

I can say the above and even believe it, but I feel like the rules don't apply to me. My inner drill sergeant simply does not accept weakness, illness, or the need for a break as an excuse for anything. I'm not flexible in that way because I need it to stay productive. This is what you need to have high-functioning bipolar disorder.

That said, I have to learn to forgive myself for being useless for a few days due to bipolar disorder. Unhelpful days are inevitable. Especially useless days are inevitable for me, thank you my disability. And Beating myself up about this reality doesn't help. Feeling bad about my lack of productivity because of something out of my control isn't going to help make things better.

Forgiving myself for being useless because of bipolar

I'm still learning to forgive myself for the useless days caused by bipolar disorder. However, here are some of the methods I've been working on:

1. I admit to a lack of productivity. I take this as a fact without judgment. It's just that.
2. I admit that I want to judge my uselessness. I admit it's hard for me not to. I admit that forcing productivity is a coping skill that often works but doesn't work right now.
3. I admit that I deserve grace just like everyone else. I would never try to make someone feel bad about a non-productive day. I deserve the same treatment.
4. I admit I'm imperfect and judgment will still likely creep in. This is a good. I just have to go back to step one.

Really, there's nothing wrong with a useless day due to bipolar. It is not a sin and therefore does not even need to be forgiven. However, being a work in progress, it's part of what I have to do.

Do you beat yourself up about the days you are useless due to bipolar disorder? Can you forgive yourself for this? How do you do it? Are the above four steps helpful?

Image courtesy of Flickr fatal.

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